Crash Course

I am a control freak. Type A Personality at its best! Rationally, I know that I have no control over the happenings in this universe, but delusionally, I think I do. I think if I drive my children to school every day instead of walking them to the bus stop, they will avoid any undue harm, whether it be a traffic accident, an encounter with a bully, or a tumble off the steps as they are departing the bus. I am scared to death of flying too. It hasn’t gotten to the point that I won’t fly yet, but I’m sure it will. How does that big thing stay up in the air? How does it get up there? It doesn’t make any sense. I DON’T WANT TO DIE!!!!!

My husband and I took our children to Disney World this year. We flew. My children were more excited about “riding in an airplane” than actually going to Disney World (first time for both). For the sake of my children, I did a lot of “self talk” and “cheerleading” prior to our departure. “You can do this Jill. More accidents happen on the road than in the air, etc., etc.” I’ll take one for the team when I have to. So picture this: My husband seated on one side of the aisle with my 2 year old son. Me and the girls in the row directly across from them. My adorable son screaming repeatedly, “Ready for BLAST OFF Dad!!!,” my daughters wearing their brand new Mickey Mouse t-shirts while eagerly peering out the window in absolute amazement of what is about to happen. I am looking straight ahead, desperately trying to put some sort of “game face” on. I try to smile and make small talk with the girls as we taxi away from the gate. I am scared shitless, but confident that I am hiding my emotions adequately. It’s finally time for take-off. As the engines roar and begin to thrust us forward, I freeze. We’re speeding down the runway and I hear my oldest daughter say to her little sister, “Look at Mom. Maybe you should hold her hand or something.” I hear her, but I cannot respond. I simply close my eyes, tightly clench every single muscle in my body, brace for impact, and scream (inside my head), “There are innocent children in here! They have their whole lives ahead of them! What did they ever do to you?!”

On a related note, my husband has been trying to get me to agree to a trip…just the two of us. Sounds wonderful, but when push comes to shove, I will not go. I am scared. Scared to leave my children and never come home again. Scared because there is no one else in this world who could raise my children the way I would. I don’t care what the odds are. I would rather not go anywhere ever than risk not being able to get pissed at my children at bedtime when they don’t want to brush their teeth.

I used to be fun. I used to be adventurous. Oh my god. What have they done to me…


One response to “Crash Course

  1. I don’t like to fly either, but I have learned how to talk myself off of the ledge. The thing I will NEVER do is go on a cruise ship. How does something that big stay afloat (just like the plane flying)! Visions of the movie “Titanic” will forever feed my phobia!

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